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I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
If you see me smiling in public it means Iām laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.