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Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...