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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
At least a stalker is there for you.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.