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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
I need new swear words.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.