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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
I put the hot in psychotic.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."