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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.