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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.