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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.