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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.