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I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues