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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
Iām pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!