Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.