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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."