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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.