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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.