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honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...