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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels