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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.