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If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.