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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
This is a lousy dating site.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???