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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.