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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Iām cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.