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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.