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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.