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When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
I should come with a warning label.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.