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I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.