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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.