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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?