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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
I want to sleep tighter
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.