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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!