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If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time