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Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me