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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.