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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.