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I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?