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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.