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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.