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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?