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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!