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That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.