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PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.