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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.