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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!