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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.