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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???