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I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.