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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it