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You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?
Sweating is for people who do stuff.