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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers