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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...