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When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.