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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.