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I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.