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I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.