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If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.