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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.