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Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?