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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.