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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know