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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
Find someone you`re good at.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!