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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.